20 Sep I Think I’m afraid to be Happy

I’m afraid to be happy. Saying it out loud makes it sound even crazier than it had in my mind. And yet, it is honest. 

I’ve marinated in unhappiness for so long, that being here….in this whirlwind of bliss seems….evanescent. 

Who am I to be this joyful, when the world is crumbling? Who am I to be this gleeful when I’ve suffered as much as I have? Who am I to live in comfort when all I’ve known is discomfort? Questions I try to force out of my mind.

I can’t help but think this feeling won’t last….but that is my trauma speaking and not my faith. 

I prayed for days like these. I cried for moments like this. I sacrificed for this life here. So to that booming voice in my mind that is trying to deafen my contentment: hush. It is okay for you to take a break and let faith sail this ship. It is okay to be THIS happy. It is okay.