I was once asked if transparency comes easy to me. In the moment I quickly responded yes. Today my lips quiver as I struggle to say no. I have not written in days. I haven’t blogged in weeks (aside from bullshitting in order to meet sponsored deadlines). I don’t know what is real anymore, so being transparent is impossible. Love and friendship are words I covet. Allowing people into my life means I carve out spaces in my heart for them to reside. When they move out I am left with an insatiable hole that takes longer to heal than it did to dig. I’m not ready to share with the world what’s been going on with me, but I will tell you what I have learned in the past weeks:
- Sadness is a very real emotion. So often we try to sweep it away, but it is a mountain that can not be hidden. Let yourself feel it. Having emotions is part of the human experience. It is OKAY to feel.
- People will awaken storms inside of you and then move to another climate once yours becomes unbearable. Let them go. They will learn that it rains everywhere.
- Crying can be physically painful. My body has never ached the way it did 9 days ago.
- The heart is a muscle. In order for it to get stronger you have to work it to the point of numbness…then you build it back up.
- Being in love and losing love is the most expensive fucking thing for a creative person. When our heart stops working we stop working.
- Sometimes nothing makes sense.