I feel most comfortable spilling my thoughts onto journal pages. More comfortable than I do blogging, being photographed…even talking to people. I’ve been writing to myself for as long as I can remember. My journal is my safe haven.
Lately, I’ve been contemplating my transparency with ya’ll. I keep certain aspects of my life off of the internet because: 1- it’s probably none of your business, but more importantly 2- That type of vulnerability frightens me.
As I grow and become more secure in myself, I realize that my ability to be vulnerable is a strength and not a weakness. With all of that said, I’m starting a new series of posts called “Sunday’s Secrets”. This is a space where I can be more candid than ever with you guys about my thoughts, fears, desires, and my life.
Here is the first of many:
I am afraid of a healthy and stable love. (I almost fear any sense of stability at all). That type of love is something i have never experienced, and the unknown can be frightening. I have loved men, and I have been loved by men. Never for the right reasons, almost always at the wrong time.
The Universe has a way of toying with irony. When I stopped caring to create a space for love & I actually fell in love with myself is when I attracted someone so along the lines of a dream that I’m still questioning his realness. Part of my growth has been learning to live in moments. Bask in the perfection of now and stop trying to manipulate the future. Whatever this situation is…whatever he turns out to be…. I am embracing the patience this experience is teaching me. I’m admiring the newfound smiles. I’m accepting my life as is and loving even the smallest of memories I’m able to create.
Lessons I’ve learned this week:
- Stability is frightening to me, but fears can be overcome.
- You don’t have to be lost in someone else to find yourself. There is nothing more beautiful than two found people getting lost together (and not in each other).
- Vulnerability is divine once you learn to embrace it.