14 Jan Sunday’s Secrets: Feelings

My authenticity has a limit. As I sat down and stared at my computer screen wondering what I should talk about this week is when I realized this. I know what’s been on my heart and on my mind, but I’m afraid to talk about it. I’m afraid that you will read about my current vulnerabilities, and that’s a little TOO real. It’s easy for me to open up about my past. It’s easy for me to talk about things I’ve been through and how I survived, how I’ve grown. But opening up about my current battles makes me feel weak. There isn’t a success story to balance out the weakness I’m feeling right now. But today, I’m getting over that fear.

Talking about my feelings is one of the hardest things for me to do. Sure, I can gush about my happiness, but anything other than that and I shut down. Sadness, hurt, anger…all feelings I don’t really know how to express. I can effortlessly write them out in my journal. I cannot hold a conversation with someone about how they’ve hurt me. I feel weak. I feel like I’m draining their energy. I feel like no one really wants to hear or deal with it (as I was recently reminded). I feel like I’m wasting my time.

This week I was hurt. My feelings were hurt. This week left me feeling unloved, undesirable, and unappreciated by people I care for. This week left me in a gust of confusion. This week made dormant emotions erupt out of me. This week made me feel like nice girls finish last. This week made me realize that I’m not as strong as I sometimes pretend to be. This week showed me that seemingly small nicks can hurt like hell when they’re placed on top of scars that aren’t fully healed.

Lessons I’ve learned in the past 7 days:

1. Love requires compromise and reciprocity. Real love will never be unrequited.
2. When you are naturally selfless, being selfish requires practice. Both are necessary. It’s okay to practice being more selfish.
3. Feelings of inadequacy are fleeting.
4. Timing is everything. And time will move slower if you’re watching it. Let it go. Live your life. The time will pass anyway…might as well live it up while it does.